How Emotion Regulation Can Transform Your Conflict Dynamics

When I meet a new couple, I always ask: how do you manage your emotions outside of and during conflict?

While some couples report having calming strategies, many do not, and very few couples I meet say they use them during their conflict discussions. When emotional regulation skills are not used during conflict, many couples experience dysregulation.

During dysregulation, our emotional intensity increases and we have difficulty bringing our emotions down to a moderate level. When this happens, we typically cannot hear our partner effectively, misinterpretations increase, and our ability to communicate effectively flies out the window!

How arguments can happen without emotional regulation:

Partner 1 : I was really hurt yesterday when you didn't answer my call. Partner 2 : I already told you that I forgot because I was overwhelmed at work that day.

Partner 1 : I know, but I stayed waiting for news from you, with the impression that you didn't care!

Partner 2 : Seriously, are you going to accuse me of not caring?

Partner 1 : Well, that's how I feel when you can't even remember me enough to call me back!

And so on, the situation getting worse and worse! Most of us have had an argument very similar to this one. One or both partners may have started the conversation feeling dysregulated or became dysregulated quickly after it began. Without emotional regulation, neither partner can hear the other. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” increase and arguing becomes less effective, leading to more hurt in the relationship.

Now imagine that within this short exchange, one or both partners acknowledged that they were feeling dysregulated.

How can we identify when we are dysregulated?

One tool we use in Gottman Method couples therapy is to wear heart rate monitors during sessions. This allows us and our clients to know when their heart rate indicates dysregulation. For most people, a heart rate of 100 or higher signals dysregulation. If you are very athletic or have a low resting heart rate, you may be dysregulated at a lower heart rate.

I highly recommend that couples use heart rate monitors when they are having conflict discussions at home as well, especially if intense conflict or dysregulation is part of their conflict pattern. If the conflict discussion is not planned, take a break and pick up the monitors as soon as the conflict begins. Even this short break can help reduce the increase in heart rate. Once you've used heart rate monitors for a while, you'll be more familiar with how your body feels when it's dysregulated, even without the monitors.

You and your partner can also get into the habit of pausing and scanning your bodies at the beginning and during confrontational discussions. During a body scan, you will scan your body from head to toe to notice how you feel. Signals like a rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, clenched jaw, etc. are common in cases of dysregulation. I would also recommend doing body scans when you are feeling relaxed to see the difference.

How can I get back on track?

Once you notice dysregulation, there are several techniques you can use to soothe yourself physically:

Using your five senses:

Sight (calming images such as photos of loved ones, pets, landscapes, funny or cute videos)
Hearing (music, chimes, nature sounds)
Smell (essential oils, perfume, smells linked to soothing memories)
Taste (your favorite food, chewing gum, chocolate, mint)
Touch (an anti-stress ball, slime , a stone, kinetic sand, a comforting object)

The TIPP technique (distress tolerance tool):

Temperature : Use ice or cold water under your eyes, on your face or head, or try taking a cold shower. This activates the “immersion reflex” which helps us calm down by lowering our heart rate. Thermo-analgesic gel or peppermint essential oil on the skin can also be effective. You can also use an intense flavor (try mint or cinnamon, edible peppermint essential oil, suck on a lemon, eat something spicy, etc.).
Intense exercise : Hold a position for 60 seconds or until you feel a muscle group burning, such as a chair against the wall, a plank, etc.
Rhythmic breathing : Take slow, deep inhales and exhales, focusing on your breath moving in and out.
Progressive muscle relaxation : Contract one muscle group at a time, starting at your forehead and working down to your toes.

Take a break of at least 20 minutes:

According to Dr. Gottman, "The main sympathetic neurotransmitter, norepinephrine, doesn't have an enzyme to break it down, so it has to diffuse into the blood...it takes twenty minutes or more through the cardiovascular system." »

Creating new habits is hard! If dysregulation or intense conflict is occurring in your relationship, a Gottman couples therapist can help you learn tools and create habits to have more successful conflict discussions. Emotional regulation has the power to transform your conflict cycle!