Alex and Camille have been married for 12 years and have three children. Most of their conversations revolve around work, household chores, their children's activities and the mundane aspects of their marriage which has become monotonous.
Alex puts it this way: “ I love Camille, but the passion is no longer there .”
When Alex drops this bombshell, Camille responds: "I thought we were doing well, really. Even though we don't have sex much anymore, it seems like it's just a phase we go through. I don't have anymore energy when I go to bed at night."
Clearly, Alex and Camille were passionate during the early years of their marriage. However, in recent years their sex life has dwindled and they rarely spend time together without their children. Alex tries to seduce Camille for sexual intimacy, and Camille often withdraws.
According to experts, the most common reason couples lose passion for each other and stop having sex is a chase-withdrawal pattern that develops over time.
Dr. Sue Johnson identifies this pursue-withdrawal pattern as the "Protest Polka" and says it is one of three "Demonic Dialogues." She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.
Dr. John Gottman's research on thousands of couples found that partners who get stuck in this pattern during the early years of marriage have a greater than 80 percent chance of divorcing within the first four to five years .
Foster emotional intimacy
A good sexual relationship is based on emotional intimacy and closeness. In other words, if you want to improve your physical relationship, you need to work on your emotional connection first. Focus on meeting your partner's needs and communicating your own needs in a loving and respectful way.
In his book "The Science of Trust," Dr. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to turn to each other.
Practicing emotional tuning can help you stay connected even when you disagree. This means turning to each other with empathy, instead of being defensive. Both partners should talk about their feelings in terms of positive needs , rather than what they don't need.
According to Dr. Gottman, expressing a positive need is a winning recipe for both listener and speaker because it allows complaints and requests to be conveyed without criticism or blame. Dr. Gottman says , "It requires a mental shift from what's wrong with one's partner to what one's partner can do to make it work. The speaker is really saying, 'This is what I feel and what I need need you."
“Couples who know each other intimately [and] who are familiar with each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams are the ones who succeed. »
Rekindle sexual chemistry
In the early stages of marriage, many couples have almost no time to breathe because of the excitement of falling in love. Unfortunately, this state of happiness does not last forever. Scientists have found that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) released during the initial infatuation phase makes couples feel euphoric and excited about physical contact. In fact, it works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards that bond us to our partner.
Holding hands, cuddling, and tender touches are great ways to affirm your love for your partner. Physical affection sets the stage for pleasure-oriented sexual touch. Dr. Micheal Stysma, therapist and sex educator, recommends doubling the length of your kisses, hugs, and sensual caresses if you want to improve your marriage.
Sexual attraction is difficult to maintain over time. For example, Alex and Camille lack passion because they are unwilling to give up control and be vulnerable. As a result, they avoid sex and rarely touch each other. Sex therapist Laurie Watson says, “Most sexual problems stem from interpersonal struggle within marriage.”
Here are 10 tips to reignite passion in your marriage:
1. Change the way you initiate sex
Perhaps you reject your partner or are too pushy. Avoid criticizing each other and end the “blame game.” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distant people may want to practice initiating sex more often, while pushy people will try to find subtle ways to tell their partner "you're sexy," while avoiding criticism and reconciliation requests.
2. Hold hands more often
According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin, causing a feeling of calm. Studies show that this hormone is also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
3. Let the tension build
Our brain feels more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward is prolonged before receiving it. So take your time during foreplay, share your fantasies, change locations and make sex more romantic.
4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Schedule time for privacy and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we are distracted and stressed.
5. Set aside time to spend with your partner
Try various activities that bring pleasure to both of you. Have fun flirting and courting to rekindle sexual desire and intimacy. Dr. Gottman says that “anything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.”
6. Focus on loving touch
Offer your partner a back or shoulder massage. People often associate foreplay with sex, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and reignite passion, even if you're not a tactile person.
7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Share your most intimate wishes, fantasies and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider individual or couples therapy.
8. Maintain curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to please each other. View sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
9. Vary the type of sex you have
Have gentle, loving, tender, intimate and very erotic sex. Break the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
10. Make sex a priority
Create an atmosphere conducive to intimacy before television or work extinguishes your passion. A light meal accompanied by your favorite music and wine can set the stage for fulfilling sexuality.
Even if you're not a tactile person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you maintain a deep, meaningful connection.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once had. In fact, Dr. Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together:
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